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Prevention before reprimand: a comprehensive guide

An overwhelming sense of suspicion surrounding a woman’s confession of suicidal thoughts; a tragic, but not shocking, confirmation of another woman killed by a man; a YouGov poll reporting that 97% of women aged 18-25 have been sexually harassed and less than 24 hours later #notallmen trending on twitter; the introduction of a policing bill that promotes stronger sentences for statue damage than it does for rape; women mourning peacefully being arrested and assaulted by police; flowers laid in memory of a murdered woman trampled and her vigil ruined… the second week of March this year, although ironically bookended by International Women’s Day and Mother’s Day, featured more overt misogyny than the country has been exposed to in a long time.

At the forefront of this was the news of Sarah Everard’s kidnap and murder, amplifying public debates surrounding gender-based violence. Across all social media platforms, women began speaking up about shared experiences from carrying keys between their fingers to “let me know when you get home” texts. Shocking statistics were widely reported on; last year rape convictions fell to a record low in England and Wales (the police recorded over 55,000 rapes but there were only 2,100 prosecutions and 1,400 convictions). Uncomfortable, long overdue, questions are – finally! – beginning to be asked about what we expect women to put up with.

It is no surprise that this week has exhausted many women across the country. Not only have we been faced with harrowing stories in the media, but we’ve also had to discuss these issues with people who might not have the same beliefs as us in our day to day lives and love to position themselves as devil’s advocate.

It can be awkward and difficult to challenge friends on these matters. Nobody wants to be the one to call somebody out, especially if you love and respect that person. We tend to make excuses; maybe they didn’t mean it like that or maybe I misheard them. The emotional toll of getting into an argument about a topic you care deeply about can be too much and many ask, quite simply, is it worth it?

As we’ve seen across social media this week, sexism doesn’t just explicitly present itself. It is there in subtle beliefs built into our day-to-day lives. It’s instilled into us in books, films, advertising, news reporting and sometimes this can be reflected in the comments people make in casual conversation. In order for any real change to happen, it’s important to challenge people who express prejudicial views. Your friends, in particular, are more likely to take on board what you say rather than somebody they cannot relate to on television or in parliament. By alerting them to a different opinion, you could potentially help them to begin to deprogram any internalised misogyny.

So, how should you go about having the hard conversations and challenge comments that could do with a little more education?

Here are some strategies to help…

Try to introduce different perspectives

      “I see where you’re coming from, but what about this?”; “Have you thought about…?” are great sentence starters to let your friend know that you’ve heard their opinion, whilst still offering a different point of view. Sometimes, they may not have considered a different perspective, and simply believe something because that’s what they’ve been told by family members or teachers. By respectfully suggesting something different, you might help them to broaden their understanding and thus change their beliefs. 

      Try to understand why your friend holds these beliefs

          If you can understand where a person has formed their beliefs, be it from their upbringing, university experience, wider reading etc. then you can learn to respect their right to a different opinion. By truly listening to your friend – not just waiting to respond – you will be able to form a mutual respect that helps to take the conversation further in a way that is not uncomfortable for either of you.

          Do not take it too personally

            This one is a little more difficult but just as important. Try not to interpret a different opinion as a direct attack on yourself. This does not, obviously, apply if somebody is singling you out and making personal comments. However, all too often hard conversations descend into argument because people begin to take an issue personally. It is important to distinguish between challenging somebodies’ views and challenging them as a person.

            Educate yourself, before you educate others

              Only by putting the work in to educate yourself will you be able to have a meaningful discussion with others. Stay up to date with current social issues, engage with opinion pieces, join Twitter to see a variety of opinions, listen to podcasts. You could even try and learn some simple statistics (such as the fact that, on average in England and Wales, 2 women a week are murdered by a current/former partner), so you can be armed with facts when engaging in a difficult conversation.

              Understand that you’re not going to be able to fix the problem

                Sexism (or any social issue) is a problem that dates back for centuries. Whilst it can be frustrating at times, one conversation with your sexist uncle over dinner is not going to change that. So, don’t let yourself feel burdened with responsibility. For anything to change we need real systemic reform that can only happen over years to come.

                Most importantly, do not feel afraid to challenge your friend’s views or throwaway comments! Healthy discussions are a vital part of any good friendship and hopefully your friends will offer you the same respect in return. Equally, if you are not in a situation where you feel you can speak up and are feeling helpless; signing petitions and donating to causes, where you can, is also an excellent thing to do.

                Petitions and Charities: